Surrounded

I am surrounded by pregnant people. At work, there are at least four other pregnant people that I know of. They're all happy about it. Everyone knows. I can't tell anyone. So many of my friends are pregnant right now, sharing stories, commiserating, planning for the future...

It's really hard to watch. I've been that girl - telling pregnancy stories, offering advice, daydreaming about the future. Three times I've been there. And now, I have to sit quietly by, hiding my pregnancy, pretending that everything is normal, that nothing has changed. 

When I first met this guy, I did what millions of women do with a new interest - I let myself fantasize about what a future with him would look like. Could I see it? How would it be? In my head, once he had realized how wonderful I was, he embraced my two girls like they were his own, turned into a devoted stepfather, and then realized that he wanted to complete our family with another child. In my fantasy, we got pregnant easily* and he was one of those guys (I know a few) who was totally into the whole pregnancy thing, totally devoted to his baby mama, excited and nervous by turns. 

After a while, I realized that this particular fantasy would never play out in real life, but not before I had named the baby, bought us a condo, found him a new job... 

And then - this. The baby, but without the love, the relationship, the commitment, the new condo... It's not just that the fantasy disappeared. That's happened a million times, and it's never that big a deal. I could handle the end of a fantasy. But this? This is my fantasy turned upside down, my fantasy torn apart and pieced back together like some hideous monster. This is my fantasy out to get me. A nightmare.

*Not unaware of the irony there...